Okay - here's probably every music joke you've ever heard. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste. 2. A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it ?. The dating app knows me better than I do, but these reams of intimate locations , interests and jobs, to pictures, music tastes and what I liked to eat. It knows the real, inglorious version of me who copy-pasted the same joke to match , . The majority of people using dating websites chase potential. Meet people through music. Meet new people who share your interests; Chat with people near you; Discover new music based on your tastes. Quick sign-up.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? It took two hours to get the drummer out. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it like dark, man? Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. They have a machine to do that.
Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses? So they don't disgrace themselves in parades. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq.
The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way. Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal.
He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile.
Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7: Ed arrived in the market at 7: He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat. Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and After some thought, he decides on the accordion.
So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please. What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist? How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door? The knocking gets faster and faster and faster. What do bodhran players use for birth control? What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions. What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana? What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her. What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman? What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat? Some people actually like sewer rats. What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra? One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead? The horses seem very relieved. What's the definition of an alto? A soprano who can sightread.
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A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing. Tenors don't have hair on their backs. You're too old to play gigs when Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.
All your fans leave by 9: All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your play list. Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.
You don't know or care who any of the new bands are. You need your glasses to see the amp settings. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage. You feel like hell before the gig even starts. The waitress is your daughter.
You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers. Most of your crowd just sways in their seats. You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case. You refuse to play without earplugs. You ask the club owner if you can start at 8: You check the TV schedule before booking a gig. Your gig stool has a back. You're related to at least one member in the band.
You don't let any one sit in. You need a nap before the gig. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early. During the breaks, you now go to the van to lay down. You prefer a music stand with a light. You don't recover from a Saturday night gig until Tuesday afternoon. You hope the host's speech lasts forever Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the bar 'cause they're younger than your daughter.
You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it Your set list is dance able. You think "homey" means cozy and warm You have to look over your glasses to check your PA connections.
You're playing the same venue in three months and you ask the club owner if you can leave your amp! Most of the band members are a lot younger than you. On all out of town gigs you draw straws to see who the driver will be coming home.
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You start listing your truss as a "business expense". When you get a "Cease and Desist" letter from the Spandex co. When you play 2 nights in a row, and the next day your body aches like you played in the Super Bowl! Or, you play a Wednesday night gig and call into work sick on Thursday and Friday. Your drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.
You worry more about breaking a hip than being hip. The only white powder to be found amongst the band members is foot talc.
How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? They can't get that high. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you? One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes. How do you tell if a tenor is dead? The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched. Where is a tenor's resonance? Where his brain should be.
What's the definition of a male quartet? Three men and a tenor. Duck's Guitar Strings Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello,Samson, and Forza del Destino? How do you tell if a bass is actually dead? Hold out a check but don't be fooled: How do you tell if a bass is dead? In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass the Commendatore.
How can you tell when the switch has occurred? The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff. How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb? They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins. Why do musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance? The tennis final has more men. How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus? On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom. What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance? The performance causes more suffering. Why do high school choruses travel so often? What's the definition of an optimist? A choral director with a mortgage.
What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee? It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
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What's the least-used sentence in the English language? Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better. How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him. What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed? If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a story building, which one lands first?
What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? The Uzi stops after 20 rounds. What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
What's a bassoon good for? Kindling for an accordion fire. What's a accordion good for?Try Not to Laugh or Grin Watching Ultimate King Bach Funny Skits Compilation - Co Vines✔
Learning how to fold a map. What do you call a group of topless female accordian players? Ladies in Pain 1. Play an accordian--go to jail!
Three rows and you're out! Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public: It's something like a hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal. How long does it take to tune a chang? Why is it so difficult to tune a chang? So that violist can feel superior about something. How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb? One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide that it's as good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip the switch.
What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer? A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one. What happens if you play blues music backwards? Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison. What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone? Eventually the puppy stops whining. How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band. How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change it, 2, to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10, to follow it around until it burns out.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb? One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz? Start with two million. How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs. Put it in the oven until its it's Bill Withers.
Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there? Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died.
But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The second musician says "I was a jazz musician Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord.
I played an Amaj7. He said, "No, no. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you. Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician. Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both. A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live. The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back. A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
10 reasons you should never date a classical musician - Classic FM
They've had so little use. What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete? Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival? What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor? There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do. What is the ideal weight for a conductor? What's the difference between God and a conductor? God knows He's not a conductor.
What's the definition of an assistant conductor? A mouse trying to become a rat. What's the difference between alto clef and Greek? Some conductors actually read Greek. What do you do with a horn player that can't play? Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist. What do you do if he can't do that? Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor. Duck's Ax Wax A musician arrived at the pearly gates. We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist.
Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention.
Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist! However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct. None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.
He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.
The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct!
What would the orchestra think? One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologizingprofusely he explained, "I am blind, and didn't see you there. Schoenberg's tonic Arnold Schoenberg walks into a bar. Karajan luggage Why was the former conductor of the Berlin Philharmonic always first off the plane? Because he only had Karajan luggage. Liszt making There are so many jokes about this composer.
I could make you a Liszt. Handel goes shopping Why didn't Handel go shopping? Because he was Baroque. Bach organ stops Why did JS Bach have so many children? Because he didn't have any organ stops 9. Quavers in a bar Why didn't the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring. Tuba glue How do you fix a broken brass instrument? With a tuba glue. A flat minor What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
Singers How can you tell if a singer's at your door? They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.
27 totally cringe-worthy music jokes
Violas What's the difference between a viola and an onion? No one cries when you cut up a viola. Minors Middle C, E flat and G walk into a bar. Trombonists How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep? Pay them for the pizza. The bassoon and the trampoline What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take your shoes off the jump on a trampoline.